Loving Your Prodigal: What to Do When Your Teen Rebels

by Jeanette Gardner Littleton

"I don't have to put up with this. I'm outta here!" Amber stomped to her room. 

I don't remember what the issue was, but a couple of hours later Amber was gone. Several frantic days later, we discovered that our high school senior was living with two older guys. 

Amber isn't the first child, and certainly won't be the last, to abandon the values he or she was raised with. Sometimes children question their faith in a way that can be nerve-wracking for parents but is a natural part of growing up and making faith their own. At other times, kids make a series of bad choices but don't walk away from God. Some kids, however, rebel against parents, God and anyone else who gets in their way. 

No matter the scenario, it can be a time of stress, anxiety and heartbreak. 

What should a parent do when a child goes astray? 

• Don't be too embarrassed to ask for support and prayer.
  
  When Amber left, I felt like such a failure. But when my husband and I admitted to others what was going on, we found comfort from Christian parents who also had prodigals. 

 

• Don't blame yourself.
  
  When children enter the prodigal world, we tend to think it's because we did something wrong. After all, Proverbs 22:6 says, "Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it." But this Scripture was never meant as a guilt trip, nor as a guarantee that they would not stray while they are young.
  
  Sure, we make mistakes, but ultimately kids make their own choices. Young people leave family and faith because "they" decide to. 

 

• Know the difference between helping and enabling.
  
  After Susan's runaway son, Jon, was kicked out of his apartment for not paying the bills, Susan welcomed him back home. But Jon often partied all night, and Susan fielded the calls from his employer, making excuses for Jon when he didn't arrive at work the next morning.
  
  Finally, Susan realized she was enabling her son's irresponsible behavior. She stopped covering for him and let Jon face the consequences of his actions. Parenting a prodigal often means practicing tough love. 

 

• Don't forget the rest of your family.
  
  One day I was complaining to my friend Rhonda yet again about our prodigal. "What's going on with your other kids?" she asked. "Yes, you love Amber. But you have two other kids and a husband who need you. Stop focusing on Amber so much that you ignore them."
  
  Sometimes we have to entrust our prodigals to the Lord — and let Him work while we continue with the rest of life. 

 

• Realize your parenting has changed.
  
  "Even if your daughter comes home tomorrow, it will be different," a co-worker told me. "She has emotionally removed herself from your authority. Now you learn how to parent an adult child."
  
  When a child leaves a parent's care and protection, the relationship changes forever. We can let our prodigals know we love them, but we have to let go of our responsibility for them.

 

• Build a unified front with your spouse.
  
  After Tami left home and got into financial difficulties, her parents decided together how they would field the requests for money they knew would come. They agreed to tell Tami, "I'll talk to your mom/dad about it, and we'll let you know."
  
  Also, don't forget to work on your marriage relationship. Make sure you don't spend all your time together talking about the prodigal. 

 

• Set boundaries.
  
  During a prodigal season, otherwise lovable kids are often at their worst. They may become rude, demanding, manipulative and abusive. Some parents think they have to put up with bad behavior in order to display God's love. That's not so. The prodigal benefits more from the parent who says, "I love you, but I won't tolerate disrespect."
  
  Set boundaries in any area that concerns you, especially if your child wants to move back. Make sure your child understands your boundaries and the consequences for overstepping them. 

 

• Deal with your feelings.
  
  Parents of rebellious kids face many emotions: anger (at the child, at themselves, at a mate, at a child's bad companions), grief, sorrow, depression and guilt. Whatever the feelings, we have to acknowledge them before we can deal with them.

 

• Remember God loves your child more than you do.
  
  Parents of prodigals feel helpless. That's why we must lean on God and His grace. He constantly draws them to himself and will be with them even when we can't. 

 

• Look to a brighter future.
  
  In talking with dozens of parents, I learned that the prodigal season is just that, a season. Amber outgrew her prodigal stage within a couple of years as she realized she didn't like being a "wild child." Sooner or later, most children return to good relationships with their parents and their heavenly Father.

Meanwhile, keep the big picture in mind. 

As you continue to love and pray for your child, have faith that your child is God's work in progress.

This article was adapted from an article that first appeared in the Parents Edition of the May 2008 issue of Focus on the Family magazine. Copyright © 2008 Jeanette Gardner Littleton. All rights reserved.

What Does the Bible Say to Do with a Rebellious Child?

 
Question: "What does the Bible say to do with a rebellious child?"

Answer: The child who exhibits a rebellious streak may be doing so for a variety of reasons. Harsh, unloving, and critical parenting will nearly always result in rebellion of some sort. Even the most compliant child will rebel—inwardly or outwardly—against such treatment. Naturally, this type of parenting is to be avoided. In addition, a certain amount of rebellion against parents is natural in teenagers who are slowly pulling away from their families in the process of establishing lives and identities of their own.

Assuming that the rebellious child naturally possesses a strong-willed personality, he will be characterized by an inclination to test limits, an overriding desire for control, and a commitment to resisting all authority. In other words, rebellion is his middle name. In addition, these strong-willed, rebellious children are often very intelligent and can “figure out” situations with amazing speed, finding ways to take control of the circumstances and people around them. These kids can be, for their parents, an extremely trying and exhausting challenge.

Fortunately, it is also true that God has made children who and what they are. He loves them, and He has not left parents without resources to meet the challenge. There are biblical principles that address dealing with the rebellious, strong-willed child with grace. First, Proverbs 22:6 tells us to “train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not turn from it.” For all children, the way they should go is toward God. Teaching children in God’s Word is crucial for all children, who must understand who God is and how to best serve Him. With the strong-willed child, understanding what motivates him—the desire for control—will go a long way to helping him find his “way.” The rebellious child is one who must understand that he is not in charge of the world—God is—and that he simply must do things God’s way. This requires parents to be absolutely convinced of this truth and to live accordingly. A parent who is himself in rebellion against God will not be able to convince his child to be submissive.

Once it has been established that God is the One making the rules, parents must establish in the child’s mind that they are God’s instruments and will do anything and everything necessary to carry out God’s plan for their families. A rebellious child must be taught that God’s plan is for the parents to lead and the child to follow. There can be no weakness on this point. The strong-willed child can spot indecisiveness a mile away and will jump at the opportunity to fill the leadership vacuum and take control. The principle of submitting to authority is crucial for the strong-willed child. If submission is not learned in childhood, the future will be characterized by conflicts with all authority, including employers, police, law courts, and military leaders. Romans 13:1-5 is clear that the authorities over us are established by God, and we are to submit to them.

Also, a strong-willed child will only willingly comply with rules or laws when they make sense to him. Give him a solid reason for a rule, constantly reiterating the truth that we do things the way God wants them done and that the fact is not negotiable. Explain that God has given parents the responsibility to love and discipline their children and that to fail to do so would mean the parents are disobeying Him. Whenever possible, however, give the child opportunities to help make decisions so that he does not feel completely powerless. For example, going to church is not negotiable because God commands us to gather together with other believers (Hebrews 10:25), but children can have a say (within reason) in what they wear, where the family sits, etc. Give them projects in which they can give input like planning the family vacation.

Further, parenting must be done with consistency and patience. Parents must try not to raise their voices or raise their hands in anger or lose their tempers. This will give the strong-willed child the sense of control he/she longs for, and he/she will quickly figure out how to control you by frustrating you to the point of making you react emotionally. Physical discipline often fails with these kids because they enjoy pushing parents to the breaking point so much that they feel a little pain is a worthwhile price to pay. Parents of strong-willed kids often report the kid laughs at them while they are being spanked, so spanking might not be the best method of discipline with them. Perhaps nowhere in life are the Christian fruits of the Spirit of patience and self-control (Galatians 5:23) more needed than with the strong-willed/rebellious child.

No matter how exasperating parenting these children can be, parents can take comfort in God’s promise to not let us be tempted beyond our ability to bear it (1 Corinthians 10:13). If God gives them a strong-willed child, parents can be sure He has not made a mistake and will provide the guidance and resources they need to do the job. Perhaps nowhere in the life of a parent do the words “pray without ceasing” (1 Thessalonians 5:17) have more meaning than with the strong-willed youngster. Parents of these children have to spend lots of their time on their knees before the Lord asking for wisdom, which He has promised to provide (James 1:5). Finally, there is comfort in the knowledge that strong-willed children who are trained well often grow up to be high-achieving, successful adults. Many rebellious children have turned into bold, committed Christians who use their considerable talents to serve the Lord they have come to love and respect through the efforts of their patient and diligent parents.

Recommended Resources: Logos Bible Software and The New Strong-Willed Child by James Dobson.

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Why Youth Stay in Church When They Grow Up

“What do we do about our kids?” The group of parents sat together in my office, wiping their eyes. I’m a high school pastor, but for once, they weren’t talking about 16-year-olds drinking and partying. Each had a story to tell about a “good Christian” child, raised in their home and in our church, who had walked away from the faith during the college years. These children had come through our church’s youth program, gone on short-term mission trips, and served in several different ministries during their teenage years. Now they didn’t want anything to do with it anymore. And, somehow, these mothers’ ideas for our church to send college students “care packages” during their freshman year to help them feel connected to the church didn’t strike me as a solution with quite enough depth. 

The daunting statistics about church going youth keep rolling in. Panic ensues. What are we doing wrong in our churches? In our youth ministries?

It’s hard to sort through the various reports and find the real story. And there is no one easy solution for bringing all of those “lost” kids back into the church, other than continuing to pray for them and speaking the gospel into their lives. However, we can all look at the 20-somethings in our churches who are engaged and involved in ministry. What is it that sets apart the kids who stay in the church? Here are just a few observations I have made about such kids, with a few applications for those of us serving in youth ministry.

 

1. They are converted. 

 

The apostle Paul, interestingly enough, doesn’t use phrases like “nominal Christian” or “pretty good kid.” The Bible doesn’t seem to mess around with platitudes like: “Yeah, it’s a shame he did that, but he’s got a good heart.” When we listen to the witness of Scripture, particularly on the topic of conversion, we find that there is very little wiggle room. Listen to these words: “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come” (2 Cor. 5:17). We youth pastors need to get back to understanding salvation as what it really is: a miracle that comes from the glorious power of God through the working of the Holy Spirit.

We need to stop talking about “good kids.” We need to stop being pleased with attendance at youth group and fun retreats. We need to start getting on our knees and praying that the Holy Spirit will do miraculous saving work in the hearts of our students as the Word of God speaks to them. In short, we need to get back to a focus on conversion. How many of us are preaching to “unconverted evangelicals”? Youth pastors, we need to preach, teach, and talk—all the while praying fervently for the miraculous work of regeneration to occur in the hearts and souls of our students by the power of the Holy Spirit! When that happens—when the “old goes” and the “new comes”—it will not be iffy. We will not be dealing with a group of “nominal Christians.” We will be ready to teach, disciple, and equip a generation of future church leaders—“new creations”!—who are hungry to know and speak God’s Word. It is converted students who go on to love Jesus and serve the church.

2. They have been equipped, not entertained. 

 

Recently we had “man day” with some of the guys in our youth group. We began with an hour of basketball at the local park, moved to an intense game of 16” (“Chicago Style”) softball, and finished the afternoon by gorging ourselves on meaty pizzas and 2-liters of soda. I am not against fun (or gross, depending on your opinion of the afternoon I just described) things in youth ministry. But youth pastors especially need to keep repeating the words of Ephesians 4:11-12 to themselves: “[Christ] gave . . . the teachers to equip the saints for the work of the ministry, for building up the body of Christ.” Christ gives us—teachers—to the church, not for entertainment, encouragement, examples, or even friendship primarily. He gives us to the church to “equip” the saints to do gospel ministry, in order that the church of Christ may be built up.

If I have not equipped the students in my ministry to share the gospel, disciple a younger believer, and lead a Bible study, then I have not fulfilled my calling to them, no matter how good my sermons have been. We pray for conversion; that is all we can do, for it is entirely a gracious gift of God. But after conversion, it is our Christ-given duty to help fan into flame a faith that serves, leads, teaches, and grows. If our students leave high school without Bible-reading habits, Bible-study skills, and strong examples of discipleship and prayer, we have lost them. We have entertained, not equipped them . . . and it may indeed be time to panic!

Forget your youth programs for a second. Are we sending out from our ministries the kind of students who will show up to college in a different state, join a church, and begin doing the work of gospel ministry there without ever being asked? Are we equipping them to that end, or are we merely giving them a good time while they’re with us? We don't need youth group junkies; we need to be growing churchmen and churchwomen who are equipped to teach, lead, and serve. Put your youth ministry strategies aside as you look at that 16-year-old young man and ask: “How can I spend four years with this kid, helping him become the best church deacon and sixth-grade Sunday school class teacher he can be, ten years down the road?”

3. Their parents preached the gospel to them. 

 

As a youth pastor, I can’t do all this. All this equipping that I’m talking about is utterly beyond my limited capabilities. It is impossible for me to bring conversion, of course, but it is also impossible for me to have an equipping ministry that sends out vibrant churchmen and churchwomen if my ministry is not being reinforced tenfold in the students’ homes. The common thread that binds together almost every ministry-minded 20-something that I know is abundantly clear: a home where the gospel was not peripheral but absolutely central. The 20-somethings who are serving, leading, and driving the ministries at our church were kids whose parents made them go to church. They are kids whose parents punished them and held them accountable when they were rebellious. They are kids whose parents read the Bible around the dinner table every night. And they are kids whose parents were tough, but who ultimately operated from a framework of grace that held up the cross of Jesus as the basis for peace with God and forgiveness toward one another.

This is not a formula! Kids from wonderful gospel-centered homes leave the church; people from messed-up family backgrounds find eternal life in Jesus and have beautiful marriages and families. But it’s also not a crap-shoot. In general, children who are led in their faith during their growing-up years by parents who love Jesus vibrantly, serve their church actively, and saturate their home with the gospel completely, grow up to love Jesus and the church. The words of Proverbs 22:6 do not constitute a formula that is true 100 percent of the time, but they do provide us with a principle that comes from the gracious plan of God, the God who delights to see his gracious Word passed from generation to generation: “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.”

Youth pastors, pray with all your might for true conversion; that is God’s work. Equip the saints for the work of the ministry; that is your work. Parents, preach the gospel and live the gospel for your children; our work depends on you.

Jon Nielson is the college pastor at College Church in Wheaton, Illinois. He blogs at Something More Sure.

 

Source: http://www.raisinggodlychildren.org/2013/05/why-youth-stay-in-church-when-they-grow.html