This was first published on my other blog, The Princess Warrior Ministries, on December 19, 2009.
This
will be the 7th Christmas without my daughter. No, she is not dead, but
it seems like it because she is not in my life and she is no longer the
person I used to know. I have mourned her loss like a death, but it's
like a death that never ends...a death without closure.
I am a Christian mother. I raised my son and daughter in church. I prayed with them. I helped them learn scripture in AWANA club (which stands for Approved
Workman Are Not Ashamed) , but one day Satan had victory. He had
victory because I didn't tell them about their enemy. They knew a lot
about God, but not about the one who despised them. He had subtly wormed
his way into their hearts and minds and took over.
I'm
not exactly sure which one lost their desire for God and church and
fell prey to the devil first. I do know that my son's heart had already
strayed far from God while he was still at home (he's the oldest). My
daughter had started to become rebellious in how she dressed, talked,
etc. She is a very gifted writer, but she was writing some very dark
stuff. We tried to persuade her to put her talents to work for the
Lord, but they fell on deaf ears. I know now that it was because she did
not know God at all.
Then one day she was gone. She
left to go visit her father for what I thought would be a 2 week
vacation, but she never came back. A plan had been devised to whisk her
away. Even though she was going through that rebellious stage that all
teenagers go through I don't think she remembers how close we were.
When
my daughter left, my son had been thinking about going out on his own,
but stayed with me and his step-father for another year because he was
so worried about me. I would lie on my bed and cry for days at a time.
I even had to go to an outpatient clinic for severe depression during
that time.
I
finally told my son to go. I didn't want to hold him back. He was old
enough to try it on his own, but he didn't realize, and I never told
him, that I sank into an even deeper depression after he left. But, I
want to stop right now and thank him. I want to thank him for trying
his best to fill the gap. I love you for that, son. You are my heart
and I couldn't ask for a better son!
Anyway,
when my daughter left, my son held back his pain and helped me instead.
He did break down one time and told me that he had already lost his
family once when his dad and I divorced and now he had lost it all over
again. We held each other and cried. How in the world could a father, in
good conscience, think it best to separate his children like this.
When
my son finally went out on his own he stopped going to church all
together. He drank occasionally and played violent video games until the
early hours of the morning. He continued to gain weight as he stuffed
himself with comfort food to try and fill the void in his life. He
didn't have God and He and his sister had once been very close…or so he
thought.
My
son and I kept in contact with each other though. We would talk on the
phone and he and I would have lunch together and go to an occasional
movie.
During
this time I prayed for my children, clinging to God's Word, that if I
trained my children in the way that is right that when they are older
they will not depart from it. God never said they wouldn't stray. I
would always tell my son that I was praying for him and I told him I
missed him at church, but I knew, at the time, that it was falling on
deaf ears as well.
One
night I had a dream, actually a horrible nightmare. It was the most
real dream I have ever experienced. I saw my son in a coffin. In my
dream I could feel all the emotions a mother would feel knowing that
death had taken their child. It happened by accident. He had bought a
gun for protection and was showing a friend when it accidentally went
off killing him instantly. In this dream I cried out to God…"WHY?!
Why, did you take my son?!" and God answered, “Your son was never going
to live for me. Your daughter is not mine and in order to save her I had
to take your son to bring her to me.”
I
awoke in a cold sweat. The immense sorrow I felt in the dream because
of my son’s death still felt so real and it stayed with me all day.
When I got out of bed I immediately called him to see if he was okay. I
didn’t tell him about the dream.
A
few days later we went to lunch together and I shared the dream with
him. He looked startled and then said something that gave me goose
bumps. He said, “Mom, I had just recently planned to buy a gun.”
It
was shortly thereafter that my son started back to church. He heard
our pastor talk about true and false conversion and about men putting away childish things (1 Cor. 13:11) (video games came to mind).
That day he made his way to the altar during the invitation and gave his
heart and life over to Christ and has been at church ever since. He
gave up his video games, sold his system and games and even stopped
working at a place that sold them. He was a “Game Manager” at a popular
video store.
I
thank God everyday that my son returned to the things he had been
taught, but I still have another child out there, one that has
completely turned against God and me. She is so bitter and angry even
though she claims she is not.
Satan has had his victories, but he WILL lose the ultimate battle. My God
is greater than he and I still cling to my Lord’s promises. He is not willing that any should perish. I keep
asking in Jesus’ name, the name above all names, to save my daughter. I
know He will…in His time. The greater His story...the greater His glory! In Him I have hope and in Him I have what I need to carry on.
I will not stop praying until my prodigal has come home...
Waiting on God,
The Princess Warrior
P.S. If you are a Christian mother or father, please, please, please:
1)
Talk with your children (no matter how old) about their salvation.
Don't just assume they are saved. Make sure you see evidence of God in
their heart. Just because they said a prayer at the altar does not
guarantee that they believed "on" the Lord Jesus Christ. Many believe
"in" the Lord -- even satan and his unholy angels believe (James 2:19). A
saving faith is when we believe "on" the Lord, putting our complete
trust in Christ's finished work at the cross (plus nothing else) to gain
access to God and His grace and mercy. A saving faith brings
repentance. A saving faith produces fruit in any believer...young or
old. Do you see any fruit? Is their character changing for the better?
Are they reading their Bible and praying without having to be told. Do
you see a real love for God, for God's ways, for God's house, the
preaching of the Word, and for God's people. Would they still live for
God if you were no longer in their lives?
And 2)
While teaching them about God, also warn them about their enemy -- the
one who wants to steal, kill, and destroy -- the one who will use many
tactics to trip them up and cause them to fall -- the one who walks
about like a roaring lion seeking whom he can devour (1 Peter 5:8). This
enemy's name is satan (I don't even capitalize his name lest I give him
any honor). Your children can have victory over him, but only through
the power of God in their hearts and daily walking close to Him. They
NEED your daily prayers! This world and the things of it are one giant
lure for satan's kingdom.
If you are wondering
what are some of the proofs of salvation in your children's lives, or
even in your own life, please take a look at both of the following blog
posts:
Proofs of Genuine Salvation Trisha Ramos Website (
Fish with Trish)
Copyright © 2009 The Princess Warrior Ministries. All articles are
copyrighted on the date they are posted, unless otherwise indicated. All
rights reserved.
Permission granted for not-for-sale reproduction in exact form including
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Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture references are taken from the
King James Bible.
